How to Talk to Someone Who Might Have an Eating Disorder
Key Takeaways
Eating disorders are serious mental health conditions. They are not choices or willpower failures. They affect up to 26% of female and 18% of male college athletes according to NCAA data.
Your role isn’t to diagnose your teammate. Focus on expressing genuine concern, offering a listening ear, and gently encouraging professional support.
Lead conversations with “I” statements and specific observations (e.g., “I’ve noticed you seem stressed around team meals”) rather than accusations or labels.
Avoid comments about body weight, physical appearance, or performance pressure. These can cause significant harm.
Serendipity Counseling provides in-person eating disorder therapy, virtual eating disorder therapy, family therapy and consultation for athletes, coaches, and athletic departments navigating these situations.
Understanding Eating Disorders in Teammates
Eating disorders are medical and psychological conditions. They disrupt a person’s thoughts, emotions, and behaviors around food, exercise, and body image. Eating disorders are complex illnesses with genetic and neurobiological roots, not vanity or laziness.
Common eating disorders affecting athletes include:
Bulimia nervosa
Other eating disorders like OSFED
Here’s what most people don’t realize: eating disorders affect people of all genders, body sizes, and performance levels. Many athletes maintain high performance while suffering internally.
Early, caring conversations from teammates can help someone seek treatment sooner, which correlates with better recovery outcomes. But remember, only qualified professionals can diagnose eating disorders. Your role is to offer support, not labels.
Recognizing Possible Warning Signs on Your Team
No single behavior proves someone with an eating disorder needs help. Instead, look for patterns of change in mood, training habits, and relationship with food over weeks.
Food and eating-related signs:
Skipping team meals or post-practice fueling
Cutting out entire food groups (carbs, fats) for “performance”
Rigid rules about eating times or portions
Visible anxiety around food
Training and physical signs:
Extra workouts after team sessions
Hiding injuries to avoid rest
Training through illness, exhaustion, or fainting
Stress fractures or recurring injuries
Emotional and social changes:
Pulling away from teammates
Irritability when schedules affect workouts
Frequent body-checking in mirrors
Comments like “I feel disgusting after eating”
A critical warning: don’t rely on body weight or physical appearance alone. Only about 6% of those struggling with an eating disorder are considered underweight.
Preparing Yourself Before You Start the Conversation
It’s completely normal to feel nervous about saying the wrong thing. That anxiety shows you care. Being prepared offers supporters about 60% more positive responses than those who wing it.
Before you talk:
Learn basic facts from credible resources like NEDA or the Academy for Eating Disorders. Understanding this is a health issue, not a choice, changes how you approach the conversation.
Reflect on your relationship. Are you a captain, close friend, or casual teammate? Your approach might differ, but your goal stays the same: “I want them to know I care and I’m here to listen.”
Choose the right setting. Find a calm, private space. An empty locker room after practice, a quiet campus walk, or a coffee shop corner. Avoid busy team areas.
Time it carefully. Skip pre-competition, weigh-ins, or intense training days. Hard conversations work best when stress levels are lower.
Check in with yourself. If you have your own history with disordered eating, consider having a counselor or trusted coach you can debrief with afterward.
What to Say: Starting the Conversation with Care
Lead with “I” statements and specific observations.
Example openers:
“I’ve noticed you seem really stressed around team meals lately, and I’ve been worried about you. How have you been feeling?”
“I care about you as a person, not just as a teammate. I’ve noticed some changes and wanted to check in.”
Helpful phrases to use:
“You’re important to this team as a person, not just an athlete.”
“I’m here to listen, not to judge.”
“What’s been hardest for you lately?”
“Have you thought about talking with a therapist?”
Phrases to avoid:
“But you look fine” (minimizes their struggle)
“Just eat more” or “Just eat less” (oversimplifies)
“You’re going to hurt the team if you keep this up” (adds performance pressure)
“Why can’t you just control this?” (blames willpower)
Any comments about weight or physical appearance
Your goal isn’t to get a full confession or achieve lasting recovery in one talk. It’s to open a door and let them know they don’t have to handle this alone.
How to Listen in a Way That Truly Helps
Active, compassionate listening means more listening than talking, with genuine curiosity rather than solutions.
Listening strategies:
Ask open questions: “What feels hardest for you right now?”
Validate emotions: “That sounds overwhelming. It makes sense you feel that way.”
Avoid minimizing: Don’t say “Everyone feels that way in season” or compare to others
Resist problem-solving: Skip the unsolicited meal plans or advice
Shame is deeply embedded in eating disorders. If your teammate discloses difficult behaviors, respond calmly. Shocked or disgusted reactions can shut down the conversation permanently.
Respect boundaries if they aren’t ready to share. Simply say: “I’m glad we could talk, even a little. I’m here whenever you’re ready.”
Regarding confidentiality: unless there’s immediate danger (self-harm, medical crisis), don’t share details with the team.
Supporting Next Steps: Encouraging Professional Help
Recovery from eating disorders typically requires professional support such as, an eating disorder therapist, sports dietitian, and medical provider working together. Treatment options like outpatient therapy, nutritional counseling, and group therapy give people their best chance at lasting recovery.
How to encourage help:
Use collaborative language: “Have you thought about talking with a therapist about this? I could look up some resources with you.”
Offer practical support: Sit with them while they email campus counseling or research an eating disorder specialist
When to involve professionals immediately:
Fainting, chest pain, or severe dizziness
Talk of self-harm
Rapid physical decline
Serendipity Counseling provides eating disorder treatment including individual therapy, family therapy, and coordination with sports medicine professionals. They also offer consultation for coaches and athletic departments developing support protocols.
Respect your teammate’s autonomy, but prioritize their physical health and mental health if serious risks emerge. Their life matters more than performance or privacy.
Taking Care of Yourself While You Support a Teammate
Supporting a loved one with an eating disorder can be emotionally heavy. Teammates, friends, and family members deserve support too.
Self-care strategies:
Notice your own emotions. Worry, frustration and helplessness are normal
Find safe outlets: talk with a therapist, mentor, or trusted friend (without oversharing private details)
Remember you can’t “fix” your teammate; eating disorder recovery is a long process
Set gentle boundaries if needed. Redirect conversations away from calories or weight
You’re not their therapist. Your role is to show consistent care and encourage professional eating disorder treatment programs.
Serendipity Counseling also supports concerned teammates, captains, parents, and caregivers with guidance sessions focused on helping while maintaining your own well-being.
Frequently Asked Questions
What if I’m wrong and my teammate isn’t actually struggling with an eating disorder?
If you approach the conversation with care and respect, most people won’t be harmed by knowing someone genuinely cares. Frame your concern around observable stress rather than diagnosis: “I’ve noticed you seem overwhelmed around food and training lately.” This still applies even if the issue is something else like anxiety, depression, or family stress. Early intervention matters and it’s better to express concern than stay silent until a crisis.
Should I talk to our coach or athletic trainer about my concerns?
Involving trusted adults can be important, especially in structured sports where staff are responsible for athlete safety. Start by asking your teammate: “Would it help if we talked to Coach together?” However, if you observe serious warning signs, such as fainting, rapid weight changes, or self-harm talk, it’s important to tell a responsible adult even if your teammate resists. This aligns with NCAA and high school safety guidelines.
What if my teammate gets angry or denies there’s a problem?
Denial and defensiveness are common first reactions, especially when someone feels exposed or ashamed. Stay calm, avoid arguing, and respond with: “I hear you. I just care about you, and if you ever want to talk, I’m here.” Give them space afterward while remaining consistently kind in daily interactions. Developing trust takes time. One conversation rarely changes everything.
Can talking about eating disorders make them worse?
Respectful, non-graphic conversations about concern and well-being do not cause eating disorders. However, avoid sharing specific numbers, techniques, or graphic details about behaviors, as these can be triggering. Focus on feelings, health, and support, not tips, weight, or calories.
How Can Serendipity Counseling Can Support A Teammate
Serendipity Counseling provides in-person eating disorder therapy for athletes in Audubon. If you are not located in NJ, do not worry! We offer virtual eating disorder therapy in Philadelphia and throughout PA, as well as Maryland, Florida, Vermont and Arizona.
Other options include workshops on body image and performance, consultation on responding to concerns, and coordination with sports medicine providers. Whether you’re in club sports, high school, or college athletics, reach out for a confidential consultation to explore support for yourself, your teammate, or your community.
Schedule a free 20 minute consultation call with our eating disorder specialist.
Chat and see if we are a good fit.
Schedule your first session and start exploring your relationship with food.
About the Author: An Eating Disorder Therapist in Philadelphia
Kate Ringwood is a licensed professional therapist that specializes in eating disorders in athletes. Kate is located in Cherry Hill, NJ for in person therapy as well as virtual eating disorder therapy in Philadelphia. As an athlete herself, she loves guiding folks towards finding food ad body freedom and get back to enjoying their sport again.
